Laying in bed, the only thing I could think about was Pastor and the conversation we had on Wednesday. I requested a counseling call when I was at church last Sunday so I was able to talk about my son. Brent my son, who is now 15, is my world. When he was born, I stopped working so I could focus my time on being the best mother I could be. He was so bright and full of life. Everything was on the up and up for us. He had scholarships to various colleges, and was passing with A/B honor roll in class. When I caught my husband cheating, all of that took a turn for the worse. He became distant. Starting skipping class, going missing for hours at a time. There was an instance I found drugs in his room. I was at my witts end. I attemtped to call his father to talk some sense in to him, that was no use. We only argued about my parenting skills. He would say things like “You can’t teach him how to be a man. That’s a man’s job!” A man’s job! Him of all people telling me what a man’s job is and he was sleeping with another one. I’d reply with “Oh yea, is it a man’s job to sleeping with another one? How’s that for a man’s job!” I could tell I’d struck a nerve, because his tone would get low and apologetic. I got tired of all the bickering back and forth, because this was not helping our son. So, I turned to the church. I decided I’d seek answers from Pastor. After all, what better person to help.
When he called, I was in the middle of my afternoon yoga session. It caught me off guard because I wasn’t scheduled to talk to him until 2 that day. I answered the phone after the fourth ring, “Hello.” “Yes, is this Sister Johnson?” “Yes this is she.” “How are you doing today Sister? I was calling you in regards to the request you left with Louise?” “Yes, my son has been going down a terrible path.” “Ok, tell me about it.” I told him everything that was going on. I even told him about the frutile arguments me and James had been having. I listened intently as he gave me tips and pointers on how to get Brent back on the right path and how to handle the disagreements with James. Just as we were ending the call, he caught me off guard with his next question, “Would you like to have lunch next Tuesday?” I was silent for a minute as I tried to find the words to say. I knew this was wrong, but I really wanted to see him again. After a few minutes of silence, he asked “Hello? Sister Johnson you still there?” “Oh yes Pastor, I’m here. Yes, sure. I’d love to go to lunch. What time?” “Let’s do 1:30. Is that fine?” “Yes, that’s perfect.” “Ok, I’ll see you then.” he replied then we ended the call. Even though he was married, after sitting with him Sunday, I could feel the energy between us and I know he did too. I mean why else would he be asking me to lunch right? Oh, who was I kidding? This is just a harmless lunch date. He’s married so he wouldn’t try anything. I convinced myself that this would be a harmless lunch date. I convinced myself that it would go no further than a lunch date.
I tossed and turned all night trying to go to sleep. Every time I’d get comfortable, and close my eyes to drift off, I’d hear his voice. I could smell his scent. I’d try to blink the images out of my head, but it was no use. Every time I put them out of my head, they’d come back. I finally gave in. I drifted in to deep thought. I figured if I give in to my thoughts, I’d fall asleep in the middle of them. I thought about or lunch date scheduled for next week. I thought about his touch, how he felt against my body. I thought about the look we exchanged in his office. I thought about how strong his hands were. How tight he held me. I longed for that. I longed for him. My mind wandered to all the nasty things I could do to him. I thought how big he was, how would feel deep inside of me. I thought about his kissing every inch of my body. Then I thought about his wife. How she’d be affect by all this. I thought about the what ifs. Like what if all this got out? What if someone saw us together. I wasn’t very friendly with people at the church, so they didn’t know me very well. I know this is so wrong for me to lust after a man as bad as I was lusting after him. My mom would always tell me , “The best love always come from the person you can’t have.” She made sure to keep reiterating this to me, as I was the result of an affair. I never knew my father, because like Pastor, he too was a prominent church figure. He was married with a family of his own when he started messing around with my mom. When she got pregnant with me, he paid her hush money as a means to keep us a secret from his wife and congregation. It worked for a while. Then she got tired of being his secret and coming second to him, so she did it. She told the whole church congregation and his wife. Of course people shunned her, looked down upon her etc., but she didn’t care. He was supposed to be a man of the cloth and he was living in sin.
Just as sleep consumed me, my phone rang. I looked at the time and saw it was 1:30 am. “Who could be calling me this time of night?” I mumbled. I looked at the caller id and my heart raced. It was Pastor. I answered quickly, “Hello, Pastor is everything alright?” “Yes Sister, everything is fine. I just needed to hear your voice.” he replied. At the sound of that, my body felt hot. I threw the covers off and sat on the edge of the bed. “Pastor it’s 1:30 in the morning. What are you doing?” I asked. “I know, I’m sorry to call you so late. I just needed to speak to you.” he replied. “Ok. Nothing wrong with that.” I replied, trying to hide the grin that was slowly bursting through my lips. “Were you asleep?” “No, actually I was just laying in bed thinking.” “Oh, about what?” “You.” “So, I was not alone?” “No, but I can’t call you at 1 in the morning. You have a wife.” “I understand. You want to meet for coffee? I just need to see you.” “Coffee? At 1 in the morning, you want to meet for coffee? Where?” “There’s a 24 hour coffee place over on 22nd and Lynberg. I can meet you there.” “Ok, sure. I’ll see you in 20.” When we ended the call, I jumped up off the bed, grabbed my black dress and threw on my flip flops and headed out the door. I knew this wasn’t right. Going to meet a married man at 1 almost 2 in the morning, but right now, I didn’t care. I had to have him, and soon enough, I will.