Eternity: Lost In Sin

Sitting at the doctor’s office, my mind started to race. What was I doing? Why was I here? I thought about getting rid of my baby, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Ever since the lady came in to my room the other day, my mind has been everywhere. Was this really my second chance? I started to crave my fruit again. It had been almost a week since I ate from it. I tried my best to take my mind off of it, but it was useless. I couldn’t hold anything down. I was always tired. My body ached. My breast were sore. I didn’t feel like myself. I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for another child. Sierra was my life. My world. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to endure that heartache again. Apart of me wanted out of this life. Then apart of me wondered if I’d be betraying her. My first born child. No one would ever take her place. Could I really love another child like I loved Sierra? Someday, I dreamed of maybe having another child, but not like this. I wanted to be married. Financially stable. Right now, I didn’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to through it out of. I barely had money. I didn’t have a car. Heck, I didn’t even know who the father was. This was all happening so fast. A few minutes later, the nurse finally called me back “Miss, the doctor will see you now.” I got up and followed as she led me to a back room. “Wait right in here. He will be in shortly.” she said just as she closed the door. I sat down in the chair next to the desk. I looked around. The room, so empty. So lifeless. So plain. I wondered how many others had been here. In this same room. I twittled my thumbs around, trying to take my mind off everything. I looked around again, this time for something to read. I grabbed the magazine off the table and flipped through it. I landed on an article about a woman who had a rough life after her baby died. Like me she turned to a life of drugs. Prostitution. Her life was in a downward spiral, just like mine, yet she found courage to get out. I wished I was as strong as her. I wished I could get out. It’s not easy. This life sucks you in and it uses all it’s weight to keep you down. When you try to come up for air, it pulls you back under. Drowning you. Smothering you. Slowly killing you. A few moments later, the doctor walked in, “Hello ma’am. How are you today?” “I’m fine, I guess.” “What seems to bring you in today?” “I’m pregnant.” “Well, congratulations. How far along are we?” “A few weeks, and it’s bittersweet.” “I can definitely understand the difficulty. I have some services I can offer you?” “I’m not sure I want to keep it.” “Why is that?” “I don’t know who the father is, I’m in no shape to care for a child, not only that I don’t even have a house of my own.” “Ahh, I see. Well, I can’t make a decision for you, the only thing I can tell you is, whatever decision you make, make sure it’s best one for you. Sometimes we live to regret things.” I averted my eyes to the floor as they filled with tears. His words cut deep. That’s exactly what I was doing. Living to regret things. Regret going out that day. If I had just stayed home, Sierra would still be here. If we never would have argued, I would have never left the house. I just wanted some fresh air. I took a drive and a drunk driver took her from me. If I had just…”Is everything alright?” My thoughts were interrupted. “Yes. Just thinking about somethings.” “I tell you what. Here is my personal number. If you need to call me and talk about anything, don’t hesitate. I’m here for you. I know this like this take time, and that’s what I’m here for.” He replied just as he handed me the card. I tucked the card in my coat pocket just as he was gathering his things. “Just stop by the front desk to make your next appointment.” I grabbed my purse and exited the room. I walked past the front desk. I didn’t want another appointment. I wanted my fruit. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to have it. I rushed home to my room and slammed the door. I frantically searched for my red vials until I located them. I sat back on the bed and prepared for them to consume me. I closed my eyes and drifted in to Eden. Everything was good here. No worries. No problems. Just me and my Eden.

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