Late at night as I sit up in my room, often times my mind starts to wonder. Remembering the fun times we shared, the laughs we shared, the secrets we told. I often wonder about how life would be if you were still here. I question why God had to take you. Everytime I think about your absence, I get overwhelmed with anger. My palms get sweaty. My breaths speed up, and then I faintly hear you say “I’m alright.” I calm down and fight back tears.
Late at night as I sit up in my room, I sometimes find myself smiling. Remembering the jokes we made up, the songs we created, the skits we performed. I often wonder how life would be if you were still here. How hard I’d be laughing right now. How I’d yearn for your touch. How I couldn’t wait for you to come home. How I yearned for your company.
Late at night as I sit up in my room, I always find myself feeling empty. Lost without you. Trying to find my own way. How I’d wait for you before we went home. How we’d go everywhere together. How being away from each other had us both feeling awkward.
Late at night as I sit up in my room, I try to think of nothing but happy times. The sweet love we made. The late night cuddling. The “just because” gifts. The “out of nowhere” surprises. As I think about all of these things, I get lost. I feel empty. I get mad, because I feel like you left me here to fend for myself. Then I start to remember the last words you said to me. Then my mind eases a little. It eases knowing that leaving me was not your intention, but the deliberate intentions of someone else.
Late at night as I sit up in my room, I keep praying and hoping that your killer be brought to justice. I pray everyday that the Lord will serve justice according to his will for the person that took you away from me. Parts of me wish the person would endure the same fate that life gave you. Then I realize, in order for you to rest in peace, the Lord has to be able to work. Wishing bad on another person just because they have wronged me is not the way to heal.
Late at night as I sit up in my room, I start to blame myself. I often wonder how differently things would have went had I not given you the keys. I wonder how differently things would have been had we both turned our phones off. I often wonder what life would be like if your were still here. I question God as to why he had to take you. I know now that this world was not for you. He saw a better place for you to be. I still haven’t accepted you being gone, however, I am learning to live with it.
Late at night as I sit up in my room, I find myself saying I love you. I smile because I know if you were here, you’d say it back. Remembering the good times we shared, and the laughter we created, makes life that much more difficult to endure. I know you’re up there with God looking down on us. I know you’re up there with God, watching over us. I know God has a plan for each and everyone of us.
In loving memory of my boyfriend Bryan Ramon Davis-Jones who was murdered on October 18, 2016. Rest in peace sweetie. Your spirit lives through all the lives you’ve touched. Gone too soon but never forgotten……